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Date:10/12/2009 Time: 11:36:48 AM      

 

Only in   America   ......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.


Only in   America  .....do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.


 
Only in America   .....do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in   America .....do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in   America .........do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.


Only in   America  .....do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

EVER WONDER ...
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

I like this one!!!
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe,why do they call the airport the terminal?


Date:03/01/2010 Time: 10:02:06 AM      

 

DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS
 Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values Stu said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, Did you? 
'Leroy replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
 -----------------------------------------------------  
A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'
 The father replied. 'Well son, you must have got it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine.'
 -----------------------------------------------------
 'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'
 'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
-----------------------------------------------

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids'.
 -----------------------------------------------------
 An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
 The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you'.
 The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
-----------------------------------------------------  
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder.
 1. The DNA all matches.
 2. There are no dental records.
 ----------------------------------------------------
 A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'
 The agent replies, 'Just a minute..'
 'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
 -----------------------------------------------------   
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
 'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
 'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied. 'A golf gun?!
 What is a golf gun?' 'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
 -----------------------------------------------------   
Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
 Joe: 'Really?'
 Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell.'
 -----------------------------------------------------
 A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
'I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.
 'What did he say,' asked the nurse.
 'OOPS'
 -----------------------------------------------------
 While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought my husband's advice.
 'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
 'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'
He's still in intensive care.  


Date:03/06/2010 Time: 10:37:58 AM      

 To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1..
At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2.
Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice!
3.
Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
4.
Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
5.
In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana.
6.
Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
7.
Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
8.
Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.
9.
Sing Along At The Opera.
10.
Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.
11.
When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'
12.
When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
13
. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity


14.
PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.


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